I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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