Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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