I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
