I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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