I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's like God shit irony all over that family
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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