She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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