walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
