Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
