im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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