I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
