You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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