this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
