also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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