if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
