He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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