soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
