So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
