just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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