I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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