Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
why is half of my head shaved?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
