I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
