well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
