so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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