at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
