Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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