Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
