I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
