and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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