He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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