Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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