My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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