I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
NoShamevember. You game?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Randomize
