dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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