the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
