Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
