My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
