he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
