nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
