Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
only you would photoshop your dick
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
