Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
