i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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