I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
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