We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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