Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
