The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
