Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
