smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
