How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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