i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
