"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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